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1. My name is _______________________________.
2. Height ___ Weight___ I.Q. ____ G.P.A.______
3. Hair Color:
(A) Black & Spiked
(B) Blonde yea I'm a ditz
(C) Red I'm a Leprechaun
4. The age group I fall into is:
(A) 40 and older.
(B) 30-39.
(C) 21-29.
(D) 15-20.
(E) I want to be a Teletubby
5. In the past year, I have had:
(A) 1-5 dates.
(B) 6-10 dates.
(C) 11-15 dates.
(D) More than 16 dates.
(E) I sleep with sheep.
6. My idea of the perfect female is:
(A) Winona Ryder.
(B) Courtney Love.
(C) Janet Reno.
(D) my fist
7. My first words were:
(A) "Mama/Dada."
(B) "Seconds please."
(C) "Yours and the souls of your family shall be mine!"
8. If I could have one wish, it would be:
(A) peace on earth.
(B) To shut up those DAMN VOICES
(C) Three words: Pez, whips, Uma Thurman.
(D) A quick and easy cure for genital warts.
9. I have encountered problems with law enforcement agencies:
(A) never/seldom.
(B) Often, and they always insist on body cavity searches.
(C) My family portrait is at the post office.
(D) I was arrest #234-289 on "America's Most Wanted."
10. A nickname my EX-LOVER may have given me would be:
(A) Sexy/Ace/Bunny/Sweetie/etc.
(B) Scrotum Thief.
(C) The Thrustinator.
(D) Exxxxtacy Maggot.
11. My political views are:
(A) Democrat (bleeding heart, egg sucking liberal)
(B) Republican (money grubbing uncaring)
(C) Libertarian (What's the matter? Not enough spine for a real party?)
(D) Rastafarian (Hey, Mon!)
12. My last relationship was ruined because:
(A) I dropped my pants and she laughed.
(B) She couldn't put up with my habit of putting my body parts
into pencil sharpeners and screaming, "Yes, Captain, I am the Walrus!"
(C) Her body is scattered across Delaware - shhh, don't tell.
(D) She kept leaving the toilet seat up.
13. My favorite type of music is:
(A) Hard Rock
(B) country music, cuz I'm a good ol' boy and I like to date my cousins.
(C) Classi.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
(D) Pop because I wanna be like Justin
(E) Rap Cuz Yo I dig singin bout slappin my bitch around
14. The title of my (auto) biography would be:
(A) "Sweet Jesus! Thank God he's DEAD!"
(B) "Still a Virgin."
(C) God's gift to women for dummies
15. My favorite pick-up line is:
(A) "Can I pick your teeth with my (insert random limb)?"
(B) "Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?"
(C) "I bet I can bench press you!"
(D) "Your eyes are so entrancing; Your skin so delicate...want to make
love?
(E) Hi I'm Pat / Ryan, wanna fuck?
16. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken
is my __________________________
17. A woman's place is in the ___________________
18. The one thing I hope this application does not ask
me about is ______________________
19. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice
about her is _________________________
(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave
premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
20. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________
21. The best way to let you go is:
(A) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?!?
(B) I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away.
(C) How about never? Is never good for you?
22. If I says in a moment of passion "(your name), you're so amazing!", do you:
(A) Congratulate me on my observational skills?
(B) Agree with me?
(C) Modestly deny it?
23. We are in bed and you are drifting off to sleep when I cuddle up and begins
nibbling on your ear. Do you:
(A) Pretend to be asleep?
(B) Pretend to be dead?
(C) Give me an elbow in the gut?
(D) Do what nature tells you to do?
29. When I undresses to change or go to bed, do you:
(A)Avert your eyes?
(B) "Help" me?
(C) Make lewd comments?
(D) both B & C
30. When you refer to your Girlfriend in a conversation, do you call her:
(A). The ball-and-chain?
(B) She Who Must Be Obeyed?
(C) Her Royal Majesty?
(D) My Lord and Master?
31. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
(A). Strictly for cats.
(B). Healthy creative love play.
(C). Not the sort of thing you think I would agree to.
36. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
(A) The best part of the experience.
(B) The second best part of the experience.
(C) A loathsome chore.
37. Foreplay is to sex as:
(A) Priming is to painting.
(B) Appetizer is to entree.
(C) A line is to an amusement park ride.
38. A girl I date for a long time quits seeing me because...
(A). I am boring
(B). I don't know why, many times it is for someone else
(C.) we fight too much
(D). I told her to get lost, or she caught me fooling around
(E). I threatened her life
39 Check all the following that Apply:
___You consider yourself sane
___ You enjoy setting fire to things
___If so, you prefer them to be alive
___You've set fire to ants with a magnifying glass.
___You have multiple personalities (or aliases) that act independently
___If so, some of your personalities dislike each other
___You are worried about the result of this test
___You are unable to get through the day without logging into a computer
___You find that some of your friends appear to be invisible to everyone else
I swear that all information supplied above is true and correct to the best of
my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, Native American ant torture,
Electrocution, Chinese Water Torture and Red Hot Pokers.
________________________________________
Signature (That means your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for
processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please
do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before
your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen
wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch
your back).
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